What am I doing?

What am I doing? I’m laying in bed crying. Crying and heart broken. He’s gone again. But, I knew he wouldn’t stay. He never does. I don’t think he ever will again.

I got his text yesterday. “Wyd?” Seems innocent enough. Those three little letters simultaneously filled me with joy and pain. We both knew it meant he was going to stay the night with me. He comes over about once a week, stays the night, and leaves when he wakes up.

I told him I could handle it. I told him that after five years of being together and two years of wishing we were still together, I could be friends with benefits. I know what it is and what it isn’t. What it will never be. What I want it to be.

I’m in love. I never stopped being in love. He did. He moved on. Then why is he back? Why does he run to me when his world is falling apart? How do we lay in my bed laughing all night? How can he stare into my eyes and kiss me? He holds me in his arms all night, my head pressed against his chest listening to his heartbeart. We talk about the things in our individual lives. He plays in my hair while I lay cuddled in his arms.

Then, it happens. The sun comes up and my dreams shatter. He kisses me and says he will be back in a few days. I smile and tell him to have a good day. I pretend not to care that I won’t hear from him until he needs me. I don’t tell him that I need him. He asks me again if I’m ok with all of this. I lie. I say I’m fine. I kiss him again and lock the door behind him.

He leaves and I am broken, just like our love. Suddenly, I’m laying in bed crying and heartbroken. What am I doing?




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