Just when I think I’m ok, I’m not. After he left this morning, I broke down. Then, I decided that I needed to pull myself together. He said he would be back to pick up the kids later. I called up a friend and made plans to get out of the house tonight. I need to get my mind off of him! I can’t even remember the last time I went out on a Friday night. Friends, music, and maybe a beer or two might do me some good.
Of course, he had to call and screw it all up. I feel like a puppet on a string. He decided that he just wants to come over late tonight and stay again. Part of me is angry. How dare he just assume that I’ll do whatever fits his needs. Why is it always what works for him. He doesn’t think about, or even care, how it affects me. I had plans to be stronger tonight! He doesn’t care how it affects the kids. They miss out on an afternoon with Dad and will be asleep before he gets here!
Part of me wants it though. I want to wake up next to him before I leave for work in the morning. I want to spend the night laughing in his arms. I want to watch goofy movies and eat pizza with him. I want to pretend like it’s any other day from our past. Like it won’t end when my alarm goes off in the morning. Like it means as much to him as it does to me. I want to lie to myself.
But, I can’t lie to myself. I hate this crazy in between. Life seems normal until he throws out a comment about how there’s nothing real here. I swallow my tears when he mentions other girls. I look away when his eyes catch mine after those hurtful words. Why am I doing this to myself?
Why do I keep hanging on? Why do I keep loving him so unconditionally? Why don’t I just give up and move on? The answer……. I literally can’t help it. I’ve tried for two years to get over him. Tried to go on dates and find someone new. I never have a second date. They just aren’t him.
I know I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am. How do I stop loving him? How do I stop my heart from being ripped out of my chest? The pain I feel is physical as well as emotional. It’s like a panic attack. I can’t breathe, my chest hurts, I’m weak, and I can barely stand.
Somehow, I manage to hide it. To lock it away long enough to play pretend. To seem normal. But, I’m not ok and nothing is alright. I’m shattered inside. I’m in love and it sucks!