Where I’ve been

I know, I know. I just left everyone hanging for a bit. I’m sorry. Things have been completely crazy. Lover boy lost his aunt and then his job. Who do you think he called to pick up the pieces of his broken world?

I held him while he cried. I sat with him while he soaked his troubles away in a hot bath. I cooked his comfort foods. Of course, we also had crazy passionate sex! For about a week, he hid away from the world with me. I was all he needed and all he wanted. It wasn’t enough.

He has since left for work in another state and will be gone for months at a time. He already calls to tell me about all the good looking girls that he has falling all over him. I want to hate him. I want to tell at him and hang up in his face. But, I did this.

I agreed to be fwb. I knew darn good and ¬†well that he would continue to be a giant man whore while I continue to fall in love every time I see him or hear his voice. I continue to pretend I’m ok. I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself. I’m addicted to him. So I work, take care of the kids, and cry in my shower. That’s where I’ve been.

Just when I think I’m ok

Just when I think I’m ok, I’m not. After he left this morning, I broke down. Then, I decided that I needed to pull myself together. He said he would be back to pick up the kids later. I called up a friend and made plans to get out of the house tonight. I need to get my mind off of him! I can’t even remember the last time I went out on a Friday night. Friends, music, and maybe a beer or two might do me some good.

Of course, he had to call and screw it all up. I feel like a puppet on a string. He decided that he just wants to come over late tonight and stay again. Part of me is angry. How dare he just assume that I’ll do whatever fits his needs. Why is it always what works for him. He doesn’t think about, or even care, how it affects me. I had plans to be stronger tonight! He doesn’t care how it affects the kids. They miss out on an afternoon with Dad and will be asleep before he gets here!

Part of me wants it though. I want to wake up next to him before I leave for work in the morning. I want to spend the night laughing in his arms. I want to watch goofy movies and eat pizza with him. I want to pretend like it’s any other day from our past. Like it won’t end when my alarm goes off in the morning. Like it means as much to him as it does to me. I want to lie to myself.

But, I can’t lie to myself. I hate this crazy in between. Life seems normal until he throws out a comment about how there’s nothing real here. I swallow my tears when he mentions other girls. I look away when his eyes catch mine after those hurtful words. Why am I doing this to myself?

Why do I keep hanging on? Why do I keep loving him so unconditionally? Why don’t I just give up and move on? The answer……. I literally can’t help it. I’ve tried for two years to get over him. Tried to go on dates and find someone new. I never have a second date. They just aren’t him.

I know I sound like a crazy person. Maybe I am. How do I stop loving him? How do I stop my heart from being ripped out of my chest? The pain I feel is physical as well as emotional. It’s like a panic attack. I can’t breathe, my chest hurts, I’m weak, and I can barely stand.

Somehow, I manage to hide it. To lock it away long enough to play pretend. To seem normal. But, I’m not ok and nothing is alright. I’m shattered inside. I’m in love and it sucks!

 

 

What am I doing?

What am I doing? I’m laying in bed crying. Crying and heart broken. He’s gone again. But, I knew he wouldn’t stay. He never does. I don’t think he ever will again.

I got his text yesterday. “Wyd?” Seems innocent enough. Those three little letters simultaneously filled me with joy and pain. We both knew it meant he was going to stay the night with me. He comes over about once a week, stays the night, and leaves when he wakes up.

I told him I could handle it. I told him that after five years of being together and two years of wishing we were still together, I could be friends with benefits. I know what it is and what it isn’t. What it will never be. What I want it to be.

I’m in love. I never stopped being in love. He did. He moved on. Then why is he back? Why does he run to me when his world is falling apart? How do we lay in my bed laughing all night? How can he stare into my eyes and kiss me? He holds me in his arms all night, my head pressed against his chest listening to his heartbeart. We talk about the things in our individual lives. He plays in my hair while I lay cuddled in his arms.

Then, it happens. The sun comes up and my dreams shatter. He kisses me and says he will be back in a few days. I smile and tell him to have a good day. I pretend not to care that I won’t hear from him until he needs me. I don’t tell him that I need him. He asks me again if I’m ok with all of this. I lie. I say I’m fine. I kiss him again and lock the door behind him.

He leaves and I am broken, just like our love. Suddenly, I’m laying in bed crying and heartbroken. What am I doing?